Spending your hard-earned cash on a gift for someone you hate can rankle, unless you get them something satisfyingly mean.
And a quick disclaimer before we begin. This post is just a bit of fun and it's never right to intentionally hurt someone else's feelings. No matter how much of an ass they are. So be kind. 🙂
I'm sure many of us have that one member of our family or friendship group that we just can't stand.
Whether that is an over-bearing mother-in-law, a creepy uncle, or a two-faced frenemy, we just have to put up with them.
Because there are people we really do love that don't share our opinion on this person, which means you need to hide your feelings to keep the peace.
And never more so than during the holiday season when the whole family gathers together.
Which is when you also have to buy this person a nice gift each year, even though it's the last thing you want to do.
And while I'm sure you are a good person and do so without complaining, I thought it'd be fun to fantasise about some more satisfying gifts you could get for them instead.
So, I've thought up a few evil gift ideas for you that will appear well-intentioned to onlookers but that your arch enemy will absolutely hate.
Which is perfect, as no-one will have any cause to think badly of you and you get to enjoy their discomfort when they realise what you've given them.
And yes it's childish, but at the same time thinking about these will make you feel better as you wrap their actual gift.
Whether you actually give them out? Well, that's up to you!
1. A Fruitcake (As Long As They Don't Like Them!)
Johnny Carson once famously said:
"The worst Christmas gift is fruitcake... There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other, year after year".
And I find it hard to disagree with him.
Because fruitcakes are considered pretty strange and disgusting by most people aren't they?
With their heavy and rich bread-like consistency filled with awful dried fruits, cheap alcohol, overpowering spices, and covered in marzipan.
Which makes them the most despised cake I can think of.
But for some reason they still remain a popular tradition during the holidays.
In fact, I remember many family Christmas gatherings where my Nan would always have a fruitcake sitting on the table, yet I can't recall ever seeing anyone take a slice!
So, sending someone you dislike the grossest looking fruitcake you can find is a perfectly acceptable yet hideous gift to give them.
As it will sit there on the table taunting them for the whole Christmas period.
Just make sure beforehand that they aren't one of the very few strange people that actually love a piece of fruitcake.
Or this evil gift idea will backfire on you spectacularly!
2. Unflattering Clothes That Won't Suit Them
If your nemesis is a dedicated follower of fashion then this opens up a wealth of evil gift ideas for you.
As you can gift them an item of clothing that you know won't suit them or their personal style at all.
And get it in a fit that may not be the most flattering for maximum impact.
As they'll look slightly ridiculous if they ever do decide to wear it in public.
Which let's be honest will probably never happen.
But you can pressure them to try it on and perhaps wear it for the day when you give it to them.
So, at least you'll have the satisfaction of seeing them in it for a short time.
And if you wanted to be even meaner how about getting them clothes in bigger sizes than they actually need.
Because nothing insinuates 'have you gained some weight?' like buying a dress in a size 12 for someone who usually wears a size 8!
3. A Good Book With Important Pages Missing
Being given a great book to get stuck into is a really lovely gift to receive.
However, there is a way you can turn this seemingly great gift into an evil one, and that is by removing some of the most important pages.
So, buy them a book that will captivate and draw them in, and make sure it's a really long one too.
Then remove the final one or two chapters before giving it to them.
As then they'll spend days or weeks working their way through it.
Only to get near the finish line and realise it's all been a waste of time, which will leave them feeling angry and frustrated.
And then they'll either have to cut their losses and forget about it, or go out and buy another copy for themselves.
So cruel but so good!
And you can feign innocence and apologise profusely, saying you didn't realise and blaming the bookstore or a faulty copy instead!
4. Self-Help Books For Their More Annoying Traits
Is there a particular character trait that your nemesis has that really gets on your nerves?
Or do they have a weakness or chink in the armour that they are a bit touchy about?
Then you can use this as inspiration when choosing an evil gift for them.
As giving them a self-help book to help them overcome these issues can be seen as a friendly and caring thing to do.
But at the same time it can also make them feel inadequate as it highlights flaws that they may be unaware of or others that they try not to focus on.
So, this one works well on people that are far too full of themselves and need taking down a peg or two.
And this can also work really well for things that they pride themselves on being good at.
As giving them the 'Guide To X For Dummies' for their subject of expertise will be taken as a slight on them and their abilities.
But you can still feign innocence and pretend you just wanted to help them improve their skills!
5. Noisy Toys For Their Kids
Any parents of young children will know just how exhausting it can be looking after them and how it can stretch you to the end of your tether at times.
So, how about a gift that can help the kids push Mum and Dad over the edge?
Because getting their kids a noisy fun toy that beeps, flashes, and whirls repetitively and constantly is going to drive them crazy.
As the kids will love it and want to play with it for hours on end.
So, things like toy fire engines with sirens, drum kits, karaoke machines, or play megaphones are perfect.
Because they can't have a go at you for giving their kids a gift that they adore.
But they'll be cursing you deep down for destroying their peace, quiet, and sanity.
6. An Ugly Ornament Or Piece Of Furniture
This one works especially well for someone who is extremely house proud and maybe even a little OCD.
Because everything in their home will be well thought-out and there for a reason.
And they take pride in showing off their superior taste and style to any lucky visitor they deem worthy of inviting into their abode.
So, imagine their face when they open up a truly awful ornament or small piece of furniture from you.
And if you've been inside their home you have the inside track here.
As you can deliberately choose something that will jar with their design and clash with their colours.
And not only will they have to pretend they like it to your face, they'll also have to worry about not having it on display the next time you pay them a visit.
So, make sure you ask them about it regularly afterwards and inquire about which room they've put it in.
As it's an evil gift that will just keep on giving!
7. A Donation In Their Name To A Charity They Don't Support
Is the object of your hate big on charitable work or maybe just a bit of an annoying virtue signaller?
Because if so you could donate some money to charity for them instead of buying them a gift.
But how can you turn a charitable donation into an evil gift idea I hear you say?
Well, one way is to make the donation to a charity that your 'friend' has a problem with.
For instance, they may be against big charities, as they suspect that most of the money doesn't reach the actual people in need but instead pays for the salaries of the CEOs.
So, they complain to you constantly about how bad it is that they are allowed to get away with such immoral behavioural.
And how as a consequence they prefer to support local causes as they can see where their money is going and how it's helping.
Which means donating a sum of money in their name to a huge and globally famous charity won't really please them.
In fact, it'll most likely make them angry!
But you'll still be donating some money to a good cause.
Which means you'll have the satisfaction of annoying your enemy while simultaneously doing something good in the world too.
8. A Fake Winning Lottery Ticket
This one is so cruel that it's nothing short of pure evil if they fall for it.
Because convincing someone they've won the lottery, allowing them to enjoy the moment and plan a bright future, then pulling the rug from under their feet is a crushing blow.
But if you feel they are gullible enough then you can do this with a fake lottery ticket that has the previous draws winning numbers on it.
Just give them a bunch of tickets in a card and say you thought this was better than buying them a gift as they may win some money and be able to get themselves something nice.
Then wait for the shrieks and eruption of joy and disbelief as they realise they are a big winner!
Congratulate them and enjoy their talk of fast cars, big houses, fancy vacations, and a new and better life.
Then begin to snigger and say 'GOTCHA!'.
I mean they'll probably never speak to you again, but if you really hate them then no big deal right?
9. An Empty Gift Box
Now these final two gift ideas take some balls to give as they're not passive aggressive and your intent isn't disguised like the other suggestions here are.
In fact, they're pretty much a declaration of war!
But this first one is pretty satisfying.
Because once your nemesis has unwrapped their gift to find there's nothing inside, they will be in no doubt over how you really feel about them.
So, if you're going to do it then really go to town by getting a fancy gift box, gorgeous wrapping paper, and the biggest bow you can find.
As to get the maximum effect you need to make them really excited about what might be inside.
You could even use multiple smaller boxes inside bigger boxes to prolong the excitement and build up to a crescendo.
Because the higher their expectations are the bigger the crushing realisation and disappointment will ultimately be!
10. Re-gift Them The Crap They Gave You Last Year
If you have someone you secretly hate and think you disguise your contempt for them pretty well then you may be in for a shock.
Because they probably know and they may even feel exactly the same way about you.
So, maybe they also intentionally give you bad gifts that they know you'll find no use for.
And if this is the case then I have a great idea for you.
Which is to wrap up the crap they got you last time and re-gift it straight back to them!
This is the ultimate slap in the face as it's insulting, disrespectful, and they will know that the game is up.
And bonus points if you use the same wrapping paper or gift box too!
Bonus Gift Idea - A Lovely Coffee Mug
Now I'm sure you don't hate this person as much as you think, if you're getting them a gift.
So why not extend the hand of friendship instead by getting them a lovely mug to drink their morning tea or coffee with.
As I think the UNT mug above makes as good a gift choice as any, as it looks solidly built and worthy enough for them to drink out of.
And if anyone knows what UNT stands for please let me know, as it has me flummoxed...
Now this article is just a bit of fun and I'd never condone intentionally hurting someone's feelings.
But it's OK to fantasise sometimes, right?
As this can help mask the pain when having to buy a gift for someone you really can't stand.
So, I hope these evil gift ideas have given you something to smile about at least, and make it easier when the time comes to buy another gift through gritted teeth.